Working as a sports psychologist with children, I see something every day that is often underestimated. Parents are the most important “invisible coach” in the development of a child athlete — not only through the support they provide, but through the way they react, communicate, and set expectations.

The question is not whether parents have an influence, but how they influence.

Research in sports psychology clearly shows that parenting style directly affects children’s motivation, self‑confidence, and enjoyment of sport. According to Self‑Determination Theory (Deci & Ryan), children thrive the most when three basic psychological needs are met:

• competence (feeling capable),
• autonomy (feeling they have a choice),
• relatedness (feeling supported and accepted).

When parents unintentionally undermine these three needs, children may begin to experience sport as an obligation rather than a source of joy.

What do parents do that HELPS?

From my professional practice and research, several key behaviors stand out:

Focus on effort, not outcome
When a parent says, “I’m proud of how hard you tried,” instead of “Why didn’t you score?”, the child learns that their value does not depend on results. This builds long‑term motivation and resilience.

Emotional stability after competition
Children closely observe their parents’ reactions. A calm parent equals a secure child. Even after a loss, a response like “We can talk whenever you feel ready” creates space for healthy emotional processing.

Support without control
Children who feel they chose the sport themselves show higher intrinsic motivation. Parents should guide, but not manage.

Realistic expectations
Not every child will become a professional athlete — and that is perfectly fine. When expectations match the child’s age and development, the child feels safe to make mistakes and learn.

What do parents do that HURTS?

These are behaviors often driven by good intentions, but with negative consequences:

Constant criticism and analysis
Immediate post‑game comments like “Why didn’t you pass?” or “You weren’t good enough” reduce self‑confidence and increase anxiety.

Living ‘through’ the child
When parents unknowingly project their unrealized ambitions, children experience pressure that isn’t theirs.

Comparing with other children
“Look how much better that child is.” This creates feelings of inadequacy and weakens intrinsic motivation.

Overemphasis on winning
Studies show children raised in a “win‑at‑all‑costs” environment are more likely to quit sport at an early age.

What do children really need?

Children do not need a “perfect” parent.
They need someone who listens, supports them even when they lose, and believes in them unconditionally.

The most powerful message a child can receive is:
“I love you and I am proud of you, regardless of the result.”

And perhaps the most important question every parent can ask after a match is:
“Did my reaction help my child love the sport more — or less?”